Do Open Relationships Work?

Admit it. You love her, you really do, but sometimes you'd like some . . . variety. Perhaps a different body type. Or maybe you'd like to see or hear how someone else responds to your moves. It's tough to suppress that natural "hunter" instinct. You're not the only one playing video games well into the night to get that chick at the office out of your head. With about 50% of marriages ending in divorce, many reporting infidelity as the reason, some couples are challenging the boundaries of traditional relationships in order to keep the spark.

Call them cheaters, swingers, or "whatever couples"—the bottom line is these couples buck monogamy for a more open approach to their relationship. Sex with another person is allowed, but it's not flaunted or discussed outside the household. Their openness isn't a license to bed everything in sight—respect and discretion rule. Those who've tried it say it isn't always easy. But what if you could actually make it work?

THE SCIENCE OF MONOGAMY
"There are a wide variety of open-relationship models out there, and they can vary drastically from one couple to another," says David Barash, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington and co-author of The Myth of Monogamy. "Having an open relationship can work really well for some people," he says. "However, as people, we're also inclined to be sexually jealous of a partner being with someone else, and from a biological standpoint, we're resistant to that partner having another relationship."

"Usually, you see open relationships in one of two situations," says relationship expert and nationally syndicated Radio Chick Leslie Gold. "There are the kind people engage in because their partner is a rock star or a politician and they're getting something else out of the situation, like status. And then the other category is when it's just a person who likes to have sex with a lot of other individuals. Both types of relationships can survive, but you have a lot of minefields to overcome to make it happen."

Philip Gale*, a 28-year-old Hollywood agent who lives in Los Angeles, learned that the hard way. He knew his girlfriend, Elizabeth*, wasn't faithful, but he came to terms with it—or so he thought—because she always brought home girls for him. "It was a lot of fun. I never had a relationship like that, but then it started to get to me," he says. "My pride couldn't take her seriously. I didn't like that she wanted to share me." Although they still hook up every now and then (extra girl included), Philip and Elizabeth are no longer together. Others, however, have actually made the "whatever" concept work. Here are their tales:

FREEDOM TO HUNT
Rapper Pitbull, 26, takes an extremely different approach to his relationship of nine years compared with that of other guys in hip-hop. The Cuban artist lives by the words Ojos que no ven, corazon que no siente, which loosely translates to "What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel," he says. "I'm not going to be worried about what she does when I'm not around. I think men are more bitches than women. They let their ego and insecurities come into play."

Obviously, that means he gets to do whatever, too. In fact, the problem comes more from when her friends call her when they see Pitbull out with other girls. "She's always like, ‘Yeah, I know, he told me.' Other people's bullshit doesn't affect us. We talk about everything," he says.

Most of Pitbull's friends in Miami aren't as open, and they think he's a bit nuts. "At the same time, they'll be like, ‘Damn, I wish I had a relationship like yours,'" he says. Guys like the idea of freedom for themselves, but the thought of their girl doing the same is too much to handle. "Men have to under- stand that women are loyal," he says, perhaps naively. "If she gets something she likes, she'll stick with it."

"People are stuck on what's normal, what's right, what's wrong," Pitbull adds. "Well, maybe what's right to you is wrong to me. A couple from Kansas probably can't even begin to imagine the kind of stuff I've done or the type of relationship I have. What counts at the end of the day is everybody being happy."

DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL
Once upon a time, if you lived in a small town, your options for the opposite sex were limited. You picked the hottest girl at your high school (or at least the hottest one you could get), married her, and enjoyed your small-town life. Jake Scott*, 26, an investment banker originally from Virginia Beach, started getting into trouble the moment he moved to New York City. "My high school sweet- heart followed me to college, so it wasn't hard to stay faithful there," he says. "Moving to the big city and traveling the world for work was another story."

Although they married shortly after graduation from Pamplin College of Business at Virginia Tech, he started cheating on her within months. When his wife was pregnant with their first child, he stopped, but he resumed three months after she gave birth to their son. "I felt so bad, but I started to feel like I had made a mistake getting married so young," Jake says. "It sounds like a complete cop-out, but I felt I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have the freedom to experiment."

Although Jake simply figured this phase would pass and he'd eventually stop "experimenting," he didn't realize his wife was doing the same thing. That changed the day he spotted an unused condom in her purse. Instead of being mad, he was relieved. "I can't explain why I didn't flip out. I guess my own guilt forced me to deal with it logically," he says.

That night they had a long, frank conversation about their relationship. Neither wanted to end it, but both agreed their desire to experiment with others wasn't something they were ready to abandon just yet. "It was painful," says Karen*, "but the fact that we could be so honest with each other, I think, made our love stronger." Full disclosure allowed them to clear the quiet tension that had been building between them. They now have an understanding but don't discuss the details.

* Not their real names

"It's funny, but I don't cheat as much as I used to," says Jake, "and I look at things differently. Before, I'd often wonder if I'd be happier with one of these other women. Now, I know they can't come close to what I already have."