Do Open Relationships Work?
Some couples are agreeing to open their marriages to other sexual partners. We know the "benefits." But what are the costs?
by Mimi Valdés
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INDECENT PROPOSAL
Kevin johnson* always knew he'd marry a "good girl." He wasn't looking for a virgin, but he wanted someone who'd only been with a couple of guys. "A whole bunch of dudes who could say they'd had my wife? That wasn't going to happen," he says.
In the meantime, the 30-year-old music executive from Atlanta did his thing with countless women. "They say the ratio of girls to men down here is like 9-to-1, and I took full advantage. Sometimes more than one girl at a time," he says, laughing. Always believing he would stop once he met the right girl, he never considered he might miss this carefree lifestyle. "I thought being a horny dog would get it out of my system, making it easier to be faithful once I got married."
He met his wife, Lisa,* in church, of all places, after his sister dragged him there one Sunday. "She was sick of hearing all my crazy stories and wanted me to settle down and have some kids so she could be an auntie," says Kevin. He says it was love at first sight, and within six months he and Lisa were engaged. They married six months later.
Lisa, then a 23-year-old receptionist, had had only one prior sexual partner—just as Kevin had envisioned. "I loved that she was so beautiful and wholesome. She was everything I dreamed of," he says. Except her inexperience showed—she wasn't exactly an expert in the bedroom. Kevin tried teaching her, but it was di∞cult and awkward, and it just made her uncomfortable. "She couldn't let go," he says. "Deprogramming a good girl was harder than I thought."
Determined not to give up, he wondered if she'd be down to allow other women in their bed to show her. "Man, I know it sounds crazy, but she was so worried I was going to leave her—even saying things like she wouldn't be surprised if I cheated on her, given my player background," says Kevin. "It was almost like she was giving me permission since she didn't think she could please me."
He brought up the idea carefully, stressing that he didn't want to exclude her from his sex life and that he would never leave her. By this time, he also realized that giving up the occasional ménage à trois was easier said than done. "She listened, was quiet for what seemed like a long time, but then she said yes," says Kevin.
"I was a little hurt, but he was so sincere; I felt a responsibility to my husband to at least try," says Lisa, who admits her willingness surprised her. "The rules were clearly drawn. The girls knew I was the queen, the one he had chosen, so they couldn't compete with me on that. And the way my husband controlled the situation, I felt very empowered, like I was directing the whole thing." She says she felt comfortable learning from the different women and actually enjoyed watching them please her husband. "Seeing firsthand how other women experience their sexuality has freed me from my hang-ups," says Lisa.
Now that he's created a freak, does Kevin worry she might try out her new moves with someone else? "I'm really hoping she doesn't, but what can I do if she wants to? She's handled my issues like a trooper," he says. "I'm gonna have to do the same."
CAN IT ALL BE SO SIMPLE?
Clearly, being a "whatever couple" is not for everyone. Living such an unconventional lifestyle can make the already difficult challenge of maintaining a relationship even more complicated—even when it "works." "Sometimes I struggle and think it's wrong to give in to temptation, but I think it's worse to destroy your family," says Kevin. "I'm living the fairy-tale marriage because I know me and Lisa are gonna live happily ever after. We're committed to each other, and, c'mon, what's more important than that?"
"The key to an open relationship working is that both people really have to want it," says Barash. "Don't push for one if your relationship isn't working. You really have to have both partners in agreement. If not, it's a recipe for complete disaster."
But, according to Gold, if you're someone who thinks you can make it work, and you're dating a like-minded individual, it just might be successful. "As long as there are ground rules laid out and you adhere to them, and you're with the right kind of person, those relationships can survive," she says. "I think people are willing to be in a lot more different models of relationships than they used to be. The one-size-fits-all, let's-get-married-and- never-bang-anyone-else-ever-again thing doesn't fit everyone anymore." In fact, some would say it never did.
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