Make Her a Fan
Our four-point plan will get her into the game-and put an end to those inane questions once and for all
by K. Kunert
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It's Sunday afternoon, you're watching the game, and your lady is bombarding you with football questions. Instead
of simply groaning and reaching for another beer—or banning her from the living room entirely—spend a
few minutes teaching her the finer points of the game. "Explaining football to a novice is easy, as long as the
novice wants to learn—and you stay patient," says Bryan Tracy, co-author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to
Football.
"The key is converting the rules of the game into a language she will understand." Pretend you're explaining it
to someone who's never seen a game: Start from the beginning, be descriptive and patient, and avoid technical terms.
Once you give her a brief overview, use the analogies below to reinforce the lesson, and with any luck, she'll
retain the information—at least until next Sunday. Before long, you'll have a beer-swilling, belching football
fanatic on your hands.
Ineligible receiver:
Explain the idea of a player on the offensive team who is not allowed to catch a pass by likening it to her
hot-yet-married male co-worker, grad-school history professor, gay male hairstylist, or anyone else who cannot
accept her passes.
Pump fake:
Compare this QB ploy to the way women give out fake phone numbers at a bar. The point is to trick the opposing
team—or persistent drunk guy—into thinking the object of their desire is actually within reach.
Hail Mary:
This is a desperate, last-ditch effort to score—so characterize it as last call, when clueless (read: horny)
patrons lob lame pickup lines toward anyone left unhitched in a final, pathetic effort to, well, score. Tell her
that, like the closing-time tactic, it's rare that this football play actually works.
Huddle:
Explain that this is identical to female group trips to the restroom. Once there, women decide on the "play" for
that evening, whether it's calling dibs on the guys they find attractive or concocting a plan to ditch their dates.
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