The holiday season ended a while back, and although you may miss all that time off and general merriment as we slog through the remaining winter months, at least you don’t have to worry about receiving any more terrible gifts destined for the back of your closet. As a fitness enthusiast, some relatives may not understand that you’ve covered all the bases – you don’t need new yoga mats or the new product Chuck Norris is endorsing every year. But even if you did just receive a Breaking Bad-style drum of some new supplement you’ve never heard of for the third straight year, at least you didn’t get anything like the stuff on this list:
What’s that old saying? Nothing says luxury sleep like leather? Well buckle up, because these 100% pure, unadulterated, black leather sheets are the ultimate combination of quality leather, fine sleeping, and economy. Every sheet is hand pulled, cured, and stitched for durability in intense activity and extreme situations by one of their many trained Moroccan leather engineers.<p>
<A HREF="http://toughsheets.com/?view=paid " target="_blank">toughsheets</a>
A clever gift for a pair of female gym buddies, but something that might completely freak out your dude workout buddy. And ladies, would the man in your life really wear this thing (really – maybe he would, but it’s likely a ‘no’)?
Ever been sweating in a sauna and thought, ‘Man, this would be great if I could get this experience in pant-form?’ No? Well, too bad, because these sauna pants will give you a serious case of swamp-ass right in your own home – no gym membership required!
Neck Workout Machine
This totally new technology in neck workouts is 100% guaranteed to increase your neck bulk by multiple percentage points. Your neck will look jacked, your shirt collars will tear, and your head will feel lighter than you could ever believe!<p>
<a href="http://www.zaneckworkouts.com" target="_blank">zaneckworkouts.com</a>
Speaking of getting all ‘swole,’ when was the last time your workout focused on getting those hands jacked up? You may laugh at this BowFlex-style hand contraption, but you’ll wish you had it the next time you get sniped by some n00b in your next bout of online gaming.
The Massaging Hula Hoop
Hula hoops and massages – together at last! Somehow, it doesn’t combine to make an effective fitness product, but it’s good to know that such innovation is still alive as we move forward as a species.
You might not know it yet, but the pillow you’ve been using just totally sucks and makes you sweat like an absolute pig. For delayed on-set muscle soreness, there’s nothing like the Chillow (aka a pad) to help you cool down and recover – you truly missed out if you didn’t get this at the holidays this year.
Ever think to yourself “my phone calls just aren’t luxurious enough?” Well, those days are over thanks to the geniuses at Glitz Electronics. Now you can elevate the status of your phone calls with an amazing 100% Gold Headset, made with over 8 oz. of gold in every headset! Everyone knows that the quickest way to stop looking like a plebian and start looking like a champion is to have gold wrapped around your ear.<p>
<a href="http://www.glitzelectronics.com" target="_blank">glitzelectronics.com</a>
We know you’re still angry none of your relatives were thoughtful enough to buy you this new system of wires and charged gel pads. Yup, you’re still over there lifting weights and doing pushups like a chump. What is this – the Middle Ages?
This is another one for the ladies – the one that looks like a loose seat of a swivel chair that somehow never fell apart entirely. As for the men, even if this does work (most reviews are positive), wouldn’t you rather forego the six-pack for your dignity?
Isometric Resistance Upper Body Strengthener
Just put your hands in the grips and get a workout – it’s so easy! Also, it can’t possibly be effective. Don’t be surprised that no one thought to get this for you over the holidays, as it’s clearly designed to fleece old people into staying “active” without really moving at all.