Dane Cook

Men’s Fitness: What’s up, Chuck? Tell MF readers a little bit about yourself.

“Chuck Logan”: I’m a dentist. I deal in the dark, seedy world of peoples’ mouths. It’s not a job that deserves hero awards but I’ve certainly saved a few people from some nasty halitosis. My patients always like to tell me that dogs’ mouths are cleaner than humans’. To which I reply: Brush, floss, and lick your balls after every meal.

Thanks for the visual. Now, why are all these women calling you a Good Luck Chuck?

Seems that every woman I get with drops me like a ton of bricks, only to meet and marry her soul mate instantly. It’s almost bizarre, but the no-strings aspect is quite appealing.

Does Chuck consider himself to be a pretty superstitious guy?

Could you rephrase the question? I don’t get a good feeling when other people refer to me in the third person.

OK: Girls are hounding you to be their lucky charm. How does it make you feel that women are basically equating you with a rabbit’s foot?

It’s a little good, a little bad. What it comes down to is: Everyone wants to be happy, and if these girls really think that I’m a good omen, then I guess I’m doing some kind of warped community service. The good: I get to meet a lot of new and interesting people, fool around, and then no feelings get hurt after the physical part ends. The bad: I have no one to watch Lost with while eating low-fat yogurt. 
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C’mon, hundreds of hotties want to hook up with you—no strings. And the downside to that is . . . ?

It’s called penis fatigue. Truly. Sometimes, even when in peak physical condition, a man’s genitals need a hiatus. Sometimes I have to ice myself before a big game, ya’ know? I remember one time my privates were in so much pain, I ejaculated a teardrop. Honestly, I’m like anyone though. Just looking for a woman that digs me for me and doesn’t care that I’m in other women’s mouths all day. That was alluding to the dentist thing—not whatever your smutty mind was tossing around.

What about this girl you just met, Cam Wexler? She’s really hot. Like, Jessica Alba—hot.

This girl is different. She is really warm and compassionate. Driven and yet simple. I don’t know too much about her though because I’m scared to keep her around until I figure out what this “Good Luck Chuck” thing means. It would suck if we really fell for each other and­—boom—she up and met someone else! I’m going to have to push her away for the time being, but she is pretty persistent. She’s really attractive too. I mean, she’s not the “Most Downloaded Woman on the Internet” or anything, but still she’s a looker.  

Short of taking a hundred cold showers a day, what’s a guy got to do to keep from sealing the deal?

I wear petite-size underwear so the pain makes me blind to lust. I don’t brush my teeth, and I talk to her with a lot of H words to repel her. I also take her places that break the mood, like the Museum of Tolerance.

Sounds like your story does make for a great Hollywood movie. Who was your original choice to play you?

TV-news anchor Brian Williams to play me. He brings a sense of honesty and trust to journalism that would fit right in with my world. I also admired his hair.

This being a fitness mag, we’ve got to ask—how do dentists stay in shape?

Simple: Eat well. You know, egg whites in the morn. Oatmeal. And after that—sex. Remember, if you’re on top, keep your shoulders pinned. Maintain a strong center while holding that plank position, and try to do a thousand reps before you collapse.  

Duly noted. Last question. Which of these namesakes do you relate to the most: Chuck Norris, Chuck Liddell, or Chuck E. Cheese?

Chuck Norris. I find that we both favor beards with no grooming.

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