We found Occupier Mike O'Brien drinking chia seeds, a calorie-dense source of protein, calcium and omega 3. "It has protein and vitamins and minerals and it absorbs 12 times its weight in water, so it just hydrates and lubricates your cells. It's like a superfood."
Hm. That's actually kinda healthy. But we've heard reports of protesters gaining weight by the pizza tray, so we probed further...
"I'm not really concerned about my health," admitted this Occupier, who reported not having lost or gained any weight. "I just walk around New York City for a bit, do some push-ups, drink some water. That's about it." As for diet, he hadn't missed out on much living in the park for the last four days. "I always have breakfast, lunch and dinner."
Ah HAH! These people must be eating like animals.
We knew it. New York City's ubiquitous food carts own this place. But where is everybody?
Whoa. Turns out a roster of rotating volunteer cooks offers hungry Occupiers the fuel to stay angry, and at no cost. "The chefs cook up some pretty healthy meals. They get donated a lot of food and it's completely free."
Free food? It's gotta be soylent green. These people are eating people. And you can print that.
"They have a lot of beans, a lot of rice and quesadillas. There are a lot of fruits and veggies and salads."
Holy shit, don't print that thing about eating people!
WHITE BREAD! This place is a disaster.