You've read about all the sleepers, waiver wire pickups, and starter suggestions based on matchups.

Now let me burst some bubbles and tell you who I think is going to bust big time in Week 9.

This isn't to troll or spread hate—that's what those political sites are for. Think of this as a public service for fanboys and truth deniers who insist that everything is going to be alright, when it's clearly not. If you don't believe me, just ask the general public on Twitter. They know everything.

Warning: while the picks made in this article are completely serious, you may find sarcastic humor laced throughout. If you don't have any sense of humor whatsoever, turn back now before you get all worked up.