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Make Her a Football Fan

Our four-point plan will get her into the game-and put an end to those inane questions once and for all

It's Sunday afternoon, you're watching the game, and your lady is bombarding you with football questions. Instead of simply groaning and reaching for another beer—or banning her from the living room entirely—spend a few minutes teaching her the finer points of the game. "Explaining football to a novice is easy, as long as the novice wants to learn—and you stay patient," says Bryan Tracy, co-author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Football.

"The key is converting the rules of the game into a language she will understand." Pretend you're explaining it to someone who's never seen a game: Start from the beginning, be descriptive and patient, and avoid technical terms. Once you give her a brief overview, use the analogies below to reinforce the lesson, and with any luck, she'll retain the information—at least until next Sunday. Before long, you'll have a beer-swilling, belching football fanatic on your hands.

Ineligible receiver:
Explain the idea of a player on the offensive team who is not allowed to catch a pass by likening it to her hot-yet-married male co-worker, grad-school history professor, gay male hairstylist, or anyone else who cannot accept her passes.

Pump fake:
Compare this QB ploy to the way women give out fake phone numbers at a bar. The point is to trick the opposing team—or persistent drunk guy—into thinking the object of their desire is actually within reach.

Hail Mary:
This is a desperate, last-ditch effort to score—so characterize it as last call, when clueless (read: horny) patrons lob lame pickup lines toward anyone left unhitched in a final, pathetic effort to, well, score. Tell her that, like the closing-time tactic, it's rare that this football play actually works.

Huddle:
Explain that this is identical to female group trips to the restroom. Once there, women decide on the "play" for that evening, whether it's calling dibs on the guys they find attractive or concocting a plan to ditch their dates.

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