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Can I Ask My Girlfriend to Have a Threesome?

So this is the year to make your wildest sex fantasies come true, huh? Here’s what you need to know before welcoming someone else into the bedroom.

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Q: “I’ve always been curious about what it would be like to have a threesome. Problem is, I’m involved with a great girl. Can threesomes ever be part of a healthy relationship?”

A: I get it. You don’t want to offend her by asking, and even if she agrees, you’re worried about how she might feel afterwards. Bringing a third party into your relationship is definitely super tricky (no matter how kinky she is), but not impossible. Here’s your playbook:

When you ask, it’s not about her. If you decide to bring up the threesome issue to your girlfriend, make sure you tell her explicitly that this isn’t about you not being satisfied with her, or fantasizing about other women. This is about an experience you’ve always been curious about…like skydiving.

Don’t press the issue. If you ask her once and she seems to get upset, don’t bring it up again. She knows where to find you if she changes her mind. And if she says she’ll think about it, tell her to bring it up when she’s ready. Leave the ball in her court so that she doesn’t feel pressured.

Be open. If you want her to be open to your sexual fantasies, you have to be open to hers. On a very basic level that means asking about them. It also means listening in a non-judgmental way—the way you hope she listens to you.

Make sure she’s doing it for her. If she does say it’s something she’d like to try, be 150% positive this is something that she is curious about, and thinks she might enjoy. If she’s doing this just to satisfy you, chances are, she’ll be resentful.

Really think (and talk) about it first. Make sure you have a thorough conversation about what this threesome is going to look like. What kinds of activities will each of you take part in? What if she gets uncomfortable and wants to stop? Is there anything that could happen in the course of it that would hurt her feelings? It’s much better to trouble shoot before, rather than deal with drama after it happens.

Think outside the box. I’ll let that joke make itself. But seriously, it might be helpful to set some ground rules ahead of time: the other girl can hook up with her, but not you. You can touch the other girl, but no penetration, etc.

The bottomline is, sometimes fantasies are meant to be left as fantasies. If there is a risk that having a threesome would introduce a huge amount of jealousy and anger into your relationship, then it’s probably not worth it. Ultimately, trust your gut on this—you know your girlfriend. Really analyze the kind of person she is, how good she is at predicting her own reactions to things, how prone she is to jealousy, and whether or not it’s something she’s considered before. An exciting experience is not worth a deep regret. If you’re going to have a threesome, be confident it will fall in the first category—not the latter.

About the Hot Girl: Amber Madison is an author, lecturer, sex and relationship expert and dating coach. She has appeared on MTV, VH1, The Today Show, NPR, The Early Show, and The Bill Cunningham Show; has been quoted in Newsweek, USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Glamour, and Cosmopolitan; and writes a dating column for The Metro.

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