MF's guide to getting her into bed ... with humor
It’s not just your hot bod she wants. She’s also a sucker for your quick wit, charm, andthe way you make her laugh. Just look at Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey. Or the lovely Heather Locklear. You think she left her rock-star husband and went running into the arms of David Spade for his looks? Think again. Chicks dig funny guys. “It’s not easy to make a girl laugh, so they respect it when you do,” says Aaron Karo, comedian and author of Ruminations on a Twentysomething Life. “Humor puts them at ease, and it lets them take their guard down.” So go ahead, be the funny one and see where it gets you—we’re betting it will be sandwiched between two naked brunettes who can’t quit giggling.
BREAK THE ICE
Few people are truly great joke tellers; it requires a perfect balance of dryness, timing, and execution. Unless you’re a seasoned pro, keep it simple and arrive at the punch line in less than one minute. Rope in your target audience by asking her to tell a joke. While it may sound forward, the competitive streak in your lady will really respond to this challenge. Once she tells it, don’t lavish her with too much praise, but say “OK, OK, I’ve got one for you,” and give it your best shot. Again, keep it short and witty. This one never fails: “Guy walks into a bar . . . says ouch.” It’s easy, clever, and is guaranteed to make her laugh, unless she’s a tight-ass . . . or incredibly dumb.
PUSH THE BOUNDARIES
Sex jokes are funny. Bathroom jokes are not. You want to make her laugh, not conjure images of you on the toilet. These are usually best received when the social interaction is lubricated by alcohol and everyone’s feeling a bit randy. In addition to showcasing your comedic talents, the dirty joke is an excellent way to gauge a girl’s personality. If she responds with a look of horror and disgust, she’s probably a bit sheltered or snobbish; if she responds with a joke that would make Chris Rock blush, she’s easygoing, experienced, and up for a good time. To get the ball rolling, here is your first marginally offensive joke: “What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? [Cough cough]”
PICK ON HER (BUT NOT TOO MUCH)
Cool girls hate ass-kissers. Sure, they love it when you tell them they have great eyes/hair/whatever, but playful dialogue is much more fun and engaging—besides, it makes you look confident, and that’s an instant turn-on. Whatever you do, don’t zero in on the sensitive stuff, such as weight, her GED, or anything else you wouldn’t be able to handle. Go for something that’s not personally tied to her. If she’s wearing obscenely large sunglasses, rip her to shreds. “Your eyes must be really, really big.” But this only flies if she’s sporting the saucer-size variety. If she turns up her nose and walks away, she sucks and you don’t want her anyhow; if she laughs and plays along, she’s a cool girl you’d like to get to know more.
AVOID ANYTHING PHYSICAL
Steve-O has made a career out of stapling his own ass. It’s earned him millions, plus the chance to bed Nicole Richie, but it’s not going to work for you. Don’t venture into slap-stick—it’s loud and obnoxious, and there’s a big chance you’ll end up unwittingly flinging a margarita onto a $400 garment that she’ll never be able to wear again. Dry humor is the best humor: It takes real smarts to pull off a rhetorical gem but only a jackass to smash a bottle over his own head.
KEEP IT REAL
Maybe you just aren’t funny—not everyone is. If you’re not a comedian, the least you can do is make a joke out of that. If you try to tell a joke and fuck it up every time, laugh at yourself, explain the punch line, smile, and hang your head in mock shame. And if all else fails, buy her a drink as an apology.