There are inevitible awkward moments during sex—errant noises here, uncontrollable bodily functions there. But then there are times when things go so astronomically wrong you wish you could bury yourself in the earth rather than face the naked human in front of (or on top of, or behind, or underneath) you.
We asked 20 women to be frank, uncensored, and detailed about their most harrowing experiences. Here are their stories. Insert Law & Order special sound effect here.
1. "I was having sex on a balcony in San Diego overlooking Pacific Beach, which should have been super romantic. But 5 minutes later, my boyfriend's penis was twice its normal size (not in a good way) and purple. We had to go straight to the hospital." - Molly E.
2. “I was in college at the time, heating up chicken nuggets in the kitchen with the guy I was seeing. But then things started heating up between us. While we were having sex on the counter, my roommate started walking downstairs. I yelled for her to not to come down any further. It was hysterical and a little embarrassing. But eventually I got her the chicken nuggets…and I moved the sex to my bedroom (after cleaning the kitchen, of course).” - Kirsten S.
3. “My brother walked in on my now-boyfriend and I having sex. It was the first day he ever met him. My boyfriend, that is.” - Cara R.
4. “I read that you should take a mint in your mouth before going down on a guy. He ended up being so sensitive to the chill that he had to get up and run to the bathroom. Total fail, but at least I had great breath?” - Miranda D.
5. “When I was 16, I decided to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. We had candles, the whole shebang, and were on the floor in my living room. (Dumb idea.) My mom woke up and heard that he was still in the house past his curfew and came down to tell him to leave. Thankfully I don’t think she saw anything, but he had to leave, drive his car down the street, then walk back and sneak in the back door so we could finish (this time in the basement—and extra quietly).” - Michelle L.
6. “Once I was having sex in the bathroom during a friend’s birthday party and her older sister started banging on the door. We both went into a straight panic and could’t talk so she started getting worried that someone had passed out, so she tried to unlock the door with a bobby pin. Finally, I was able to speak up and say we’ll be out in a minute.” - Brianne W.
7. “I was 17 and having sex for the first time with a new boyfriend. A few minutes into what I thought was a magnificent ride, I felt some mysterious wetness on my face. My eyes were closed so I figured it was just sweat. I opened my eyes, looked down at him, and saw that his face was covered in blood. I screamed, almost fell off the bed, threw my hands up to my face, and felt warm blood flooding out of my nose. I'd gotten a bloody nose and proceeded to crime scene my new boyfriend, his perfect white sheets, and my entire face. A few seconds after realizing what had happened in horror, we heard, "Honey, are you home?" It was his mom... who had no idea I even existed. He raced downstairs to ward her off while I frantically tried to put my clothes on. But I heard his mother shriek 'What happened to your face?!? You're covered in blood!' I walked out from the stairwell, introduced myself to his mom and stepdad who hardly said a word to me, and walked out the door holding my head high. We ended up dating for 5 years.” - Emily H.
8. “I passed out while trying period sex because it grossed me out so much.” - Taylor K.
9. “I once had a guy tell me he had feelings for someone else in the middle of sex. I was like ‘Uh, can you get off me?’” - Gabrielle S.
10. “Ugh, well this wasn’t exactly during sex—but about my dad finding out I had sex and wasn’t a virgin. My boyfriend and I decided to try out the whole sex on the dryer thing. It was anticlimactic and we eventually headed up to my bedroom. The next day my dad said he wanted to talk to me about something and to go get my laundry. I walked downstairs and found my yoga pants neatly folded with the condom wrapper on top. When I walked back upstairs, my dad said he was happy I was using protection, but my boyfriend was unworthy.” - Tara M.
11. “I was spending the weekend in my boyfriend's childhood home. We lasted a day before we started pawing at each other. So we slipped away into his basement for a quickie, but his dad came down to get a beer. My boyfriend tried to shield me as much as possible, but the damage was done. I sat through the most awkward family BBQ after, but we're still together.” - Stephanie F.
12. “I just started seeing this guy. I was visiting his parents for the first time and his mom walked in on us.” - Cara D.
13. “Okay, so this wasn’t during sex, but the lead-up to it. My sister had gotten a foldable massage chair for Christmas. I was lying on my stomach with my face on the cushion that cradles your head. My boyfriend was massaging me, then got on top, but the chair broke. The legs came up and it fell flat to the ground and I didn’t have my hands to catch me. So I went face-first into the ground with a 200lb kid on top of me.” - Christine D.
14. “Getting my period when I was hooking up with a new fling was a bit traumatizing.” - Melissa N.
15. "Once during sex, I headbutted my boyfriend so hard I gave him a black eye." - Cassandra J.
16. "My then-boyfriend and I parked in a super dark neighborhood near some bushes. The windows were all steamy, so we didn't notice when a man walking his dog came up the car until he knocked on the window and told us to break it up. Luckily he walked away by the time we got dressed so we didn't have to face him." - Annie J.
17. "This guy uttered the name of his ex-girlfriend when he came. We never slept together again." - Rachel T.
18. "I went home with a friend after a night out, which was a bad enough of a decision. But then he vomited in the middle of us having sex. Needless to say that was the first and last time we ever took our friendship to the next level." - Jane T.
19. "I was talking to a guy for a while and went back to his apartment with him. We had just started fooling around when he abruptly stood up and rushed out of the bedroom. I thought maybe he was getting sick or something. But he never came back to the room. I feel asleep, woke up hours later, then grabbed my stuff and bolted. So, so weird." - Victoria D.
20. "After going on a few dates with a guy, we went back to his place after dinner one night. One thing led to another—his pants came off, but then I panicked. I had never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised. I didn't even really know what it looked like until that moment. He read my reaction as revulsion and said he thought it would be best if I left. I felt horrible but we ended up talking things through at a later point in time." - Rebecca S.