Signs You Didn’t Hear 'I Love You' Enough as a Child—and How It Shows Up in Adulthood

Low self-esteem, fear of rejection, and people-pleasing—these are all traits often developed by people who weren't told "I love you" in childhood, psychologists say. 

Those three words are more than just a gesture of affection, said Dakari Quimby, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles, to Parade for a recent story.

"It helps create a secure attachment style that later serves as a model for future relationships. It builds their self-confidence and resilience. When kids know they are loved unconditionally, they're more equipped to tackle challenges and build positive relationships," Quimby says.

For individuals who grew up hearing “I love you,” this emotional foundation often results in trust, empathy, and a stronger sense of self-worth. Over time, it creates a ripple effect: emotional intelligence, comfort with intimacy, and healthy self-perception as we age.

But, what about those of us that weren't told "I love you" by their parents or caretakers? For many, a lack of verbal affection during childhood doesn’t go unnoticed. Instead, it can leave emotional scars that show up in adult life.

Quimby says these individuals are susceptible to certain traits manifesting in their adult lives, including perfectionism, lack of boundaries, and the constant need for external validation.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Quimby shares that some individuals may strive for perfection in all that they do to earn the love and approval they lacked in childhood.

Emotional withdrawal, fear of abandonment, and fear of rejection are also common coping mechanisms that may emerge later in life.

A Harvard study found that parental warmth in childhood may help promote offspring functioning across multiple domains of well-being in mid-life. But, it's important to recognize that you can still thrive in adulthood even if you were neglected of simple "I love yous" in childhood. 

For anyone carrying these emotional burdens, the path forward lies in building healthy, supportive relationships and seeking professional help when needed. It’s never too late to nurture self-worth and emotional resilience, and that's usually a process that takes a village.