First dates can be excruciatingly nerve racking for the less than eloquent bachelor. Everything seems to be just dandy, and then all of a sudden, one oopsy daisy from your mouth sends her screaming out the door, and you're sitting there with puffy red mace eyes wondering just what the heck happened. Men's Fitness has found it a tried and true strategy to think about what you're going to say to the ladies before you go ahead and say it. Here' s five things that you should definitely NEVER say on the first date (or probably ever).
1) YOU REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER. LIKE, WAY YOUNGER OF COURSE.
In your head, this is probably the most flattering thing you could ever possibly say to a woman. You feel like this girl is nurturing, kind, and solid as a rock trust-wise. Just like the Moms, she might be numero uno, the best dame of all time; You feel like you've known her completely since your first meeting. Outside la la land, it's a red herring for bat-#@$% crazy psychopath with serious Oedipal issues. After this little gem pops out of your mouth she'll be running alright - not into your arms, but to the nearest restraining order. Try a more blasé comparison Mr. Bates, like Scarlett Johansson or Meryl Streep (when she was younger), and leave the disturbing parts of your personality for cuddle time when she can't escape.
2) WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NECK! DO YOU MOISTURIZE?
A new study suggests that you're a moron if you don't immediately see why this one's a problem. Unless you've got the insider's tip that she's into that Twilight vampire-fetish thing, and you're planning on the "I'm going to swoon you with my undead strength for all eternity" angle, just tell her her dress looks great. It's probably true and also a great way to compliment something close to her banging bod without making her think your just eye-fondling.
3) OH, THAT? THE DOC THINKS IT'S JUST A TEENCY RASH.
Nothing screams "I'm totally into you" quite like "the antibiotics don't seem to be working out so hot; I think it's growing." When warming up to a gal, it's generally a good idea to maintain a projection of spartan godly perfection for as long as possible. The medical history of what you think is "just a mole" can wait until there's no more getting around it.
4) YEAH, I'VE GOT ABOUT THREE HUNTING KNIVES AND A 22.
We here at Men's Fitness are super impressed that you can kill, slaughter, and gut a wild hog without breaking rank (if you can actually do this please contact us immediately). Sorry to say, your friday night date probably doesn't equate animal cruelty with sex appeal (oh, these modern girls). When opening up to that special lady, focus on the cute manly hobbies like rock climbing to save baby eagles, or brush-fire fighting.
5) SO, YOUR PLACE OR MINE?
Sure, the date's been a hit and your getting all the signals. But there's no better way to come off like a total sleaze ball than spitting out number five. Maybe she's just not that type of girl, or maybe she's got something to do in the morning. Just play it cool after dinner and ask her what she's up to now. Don't push it. If she wants you to come home with her, she'll let you know. Besides, if she's that special lady you've been dreaming of, patience will pay off in the long run. If you're really that desperate for a one night stand, then do what normal lonely desperate bachelors do: wait until you're the only guy left in the bar that doesn't look like he was brutalized by a lawnmower.