When you first started having sex, just having it was pretty much the only goal. These days? You demand more from yourself. You want to be a pro—nay, a legend.
Well, let’s make 2018 the year of the best sex ever. We consulted the experts and pulled together 18 essential sex tips to really spice things up.
1. Do a bedroom audit
Are your sheets soft or scratchy? Do you have a photo of your parents on the nightstand? Start removing anything “unsexy” and replacing it with more, ahem, adult accessories that promote sexiness, not interrupt it. For example, use your bedside table for a wireless speaker that pumps out a great playlist to set the vibe (sexy). On the other hand, do not display a photo of your mom, as if she’s watching your every move (creepy).
2. Slow down
“From kissing to foreplay to intercourse, I always say to go five times slower than you think,” says Emily Morse, sexologist and host of the "Sex With Emily" podcast. From the woman’s perspective, a lot of dudes rush through both foreplay and sex, leaving them unsatisfied. The key to satisfying a women? Take. Your. Time. “When you actually take your time, it allows you and your partner feel more connected, and can enhance her arousal,” Morse says.
3. Watch her reactions
“Pay attention to your partner and her reaction to the moment,” Morse says. “Is she breathing faster? Moving in time with you? Gripping the sheets, holding on for dear life? If so, keep on keeping on. If not, it’s time to switch it up, or at the very least ask what will turn her on.”
A true Casanova doesn’t close his eyes; he watches his lover like a hawk for signs that she’s enjoying herself, and adjusts his speed, pressure, position, and location as needed.
4. Adjust the temperature
Is your girl always cold? Well, if you want her to take her clothes off, sticking her into a frigid room isn’t the way to do it. Simple things, like turning the heat up a notch or investing in a soft, cuddly down banket, will make your bedroom way more hospitable and result in more sex. Seriously.
5. Find her sweet spot
Rule No.1: Never assume what you did for your last girl will work for the next one. With all things sexual (but especially with your oral sex technique), you must use the first few sessions as experiments to find exactly how, where, how hard, and how fast she likes it. Once you figure out how to make it happen for her, don’t forget it. Literally. Like, take notes if you have to, man. Consistency is important.
6. Use a vibrator on her
Some people think of vibrators as impersonal or an ‘easy way out,’ but “it can add a new dimension to pleasure to use a sex toy,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., the Good Vibrations staff sexologist. The bottom line: Vibrators can give women orgasms reliably and quickly, so if you’re having trouble getting her there, just give one a try. Once you take the frustration out of the mix, you can relax again and start working on the rest of your sex techniques (see tips 5-18).
7. Use a vibrator on yourself
“Men like vibrators, too,” Queen reminds us. Have her hold it just underneath your balls during oral sex for a way, way better orgasm.
You can also use it to revive your hard-on mid-sex-act: “Try moving it around the penis's corona, the most comparable place on a guy's body to the clitoris,” Queen says.
8. Buy the right condoms
Condoms don’t have to interrupt the moment and put a damper on things. In fact, simply buying the right ones will make a huge difference. If you have trouble getting them on, buy lubricated ones. If they feel too tight, buy larger ones. Until you’re both tested and decide to be exclusive, condoms are a must—so put in a little extra research and find the ones that work best for you.
9. Use more lube
Simply put, lube makes everything feel better. “You can stroke longer and enjoy enhanced sensations using lube,” says Queen. “It’s also an absolute requirement for safe and comfortable anal play and for optimum condom use.” Not sure where to start? Add an extra five minutes to your foreplay simply by taking your time and lubing her up with your fingers. It will make everything that comes later 10 times better for her, but that extra stimulation in and of itself will also get her way closer to an orgasm (think of it as a head start).
10. Pay attention to her neck
Does she like it kissed, licked, sucked, or bitten? If you don’t know, you need to find out, like, ASAP.
11. Try a penis ring
Need your woman to finish faster, but don’t want to completely sub in a vibrator for yourself? “Start with a couples toy like the We-Vibe Pivot, a penis ring you can wear during intercourse that will stimulate both you and your partner,” suggests Morse. This way, you’re basically super-charging your penis with its own vibrations. What part of that doesn’t sound awesome?
12. Tell her how sexy she is
Sure, you might be thinking it, but are you actually saying it?
The more sincere compliments you can muster, the more confident your woman will feel, and the more intense and satisfying your sex will become.
“One of the things we don't learn in Sex Ed is how to talk comfortably about sex, and many guys (and everybody else) instead tend to interpret or send nonverbal signals,” says Queen. “Those can go off course, though, especially with a new partner whose preferences you don't know.” Don’t rely on hints. Ask questions. Sit down with a glass of wine and just tell each other flat-out what you want them to do. “Not only will everyone have better sex—this averts misunderstandings, too,” says Queen. Bonus: The conversation itself will probably put you in the mood.
14. Adjust to her schedule
Do you always initiate at the end of the day, when she’s already washed up and in bed in her PJs, exhausted? Try making a move at a time that works for her instead, like mid-Saturday afternoon after she’s enjoyed a little brunch or made it back from her weekend workout.
Sure, you might be more of a first-thing-in-the-morning (or late-night) guy, but doing it on her schedule will allow her to be more present, energetic, and excited.
15. Touch her entire body
“It can be a tempting habit to zoom right in on the genitals, but that's not a recipe for optimal sex,” says Queen. “All the touching that leads up to genital contact is foreplay, and our skin is full of nerve endings that, when rubbed the right way, literally support arousal.” Translation? Try to increase the amount of skin surface area you touch. It all feels good, and it all amounts to money in the arousal bank, so to speak.
16. Ask her what her fantasy is
Everybody has a fantasy (save for a very small percentage of super-vanilla or low-libido people), so what’s hers? Try getting your girl comfortable enough to tell you something that turns her on. Remind her that you’re only asking because you want to make it happen.
17. Leave your phones outside
“My rule is that the bedroom is for sex and sleeping, so remove the distractions that detract from intimacy,” suggests Morse. “If your first thought is, ‘How ever would we entertain ourselves before bedtime?!’ you’re exactly the person who needs to do some unplugging in 2018. Since stress is the biggest killer of our sex drives, why would you bring your work emails to bed with you?!”
18. Take a break from porn
“If you've ever wondered about lasting longer in bed, one way to affect your duration is easy—mindfully masturbate,” suggests Queen. Put your favorite PornHub girls aside and actually pay attention to your responses. “Can you recognize your moment of ‘ejaculatory inevitability’—sex therapist talk for the point at which you can't help but ejaculate?” asks Queen. “Slow down and see if you can get more control over that reflex with some practice.” It will result in a huge boost to how long you last during sex.