I’m all about bringing more variety into the bedroom, and sex positions can be a great way to flex your creative muscles (and, you know, your actual muscles). But there is such a thing as taking it too far. I’ve seen sex positions that look like they were dreamed up by contortionists—and worse. Check out these nine sex positions to avoid at all costs! Then, consider trying these 16 sex positions to try instead.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in all things sex.
1. The Head Over Heels
What it is: You stand. She props her arms on a pillow, face down. You grab her feet and lift her body up in the air. She bends her knees.
Never try it because: Who wants to feel like they’re doing landscaping work while they’re having sex? This variation of the wheelbarrow pose puts an awful lot of strain on your body. Since you’re only holding onto her by her ankles, one wrong move could send her toppling over.
2. The Passion Propeller
What it is: She lays on her back. You lay on top of her, facing the other direction, with your head down by her feet.
Never try it because: In this position, the guy is supposed to do a full 180 degree flip out of Missionary position. The problem is that the penis doesn’t really like to be bent backwards. Plus she’s left left staring at, well, maybe not your best feature—and smelling your feet.
3. The Electric Slide
What it is: She lays on her stomach. You’re in a crabwalk position, facing the same direction as she is.
Never try it because: Starting to see a pattern here? The penis is just not meant to to be bent. Even if you could get the angle right, the crab walk position will leave you awkwardly bumping up against her butt.
4. The Torrid Tug Of War
What it is: You lay on your back. She straddles you, then leans all the way backwards so she’s lying on her back too. You hold hands.
Never try it because: OK, one more for good measure. You penis just does not want to go that way. Plus, this position looks like some sort of creepy ritual.
5. The Erotic Accordion
What it is: You lay on your back with your knees pulled into your chest. She crouches over you.
Never try it because: Your lady’s thighs will be on fire so quickly she won’t be able to last more than a minute. That’s actually the good news, since this position will make you feel emasculated laying on your back with your legs in the air.
6. The Butter Churner
What it is: She lays on her back with her butt in the air and her legs bent backwards so her feet touch the ground by her head. You crouch over her.
Never try it because: Nope, The Erotic Accordion doesn’t get better by trading places.
7. The V Is For Vixen
What it is: She sits on a countertop and you approach her from a standing position. She stretches her legs up and rests her ankles on your shoulders.
Never try it because: Your lady probably wants to think she’s flexible, but only the most accomplished yoga teachers can hold this position for more than a few seconds. Don’t embarrass her by trying it.
8.The Lusty Leg Lift
What it is: You both stand. She stretches one leg up to rest her ankle on your shoulder.
Never try it because: Standing sex positions very rarely work out well since they require your pelvises to be at the exact right heights. Adding a crazy level of split-leg flexibility ups the chances of this ending poorly.
9. The Lap Dance
What it is: You sit in a chair. She sits in your lap, with her legs on your shoulders.
Never try it because: Unless you want to spend your entire evening picturing her falling backwards off the chair, avoid this position too.