Smoking hot sex. We all want it, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty details of how to make it happen, so many people are clueless. As a sex therapist, I’m all too familiar with how desperate most people are to feel like they’re good in the sack. Fortunately, Men’s Fitness has your back. We’ve got you covered with tips ranging from the hottest ways to initiate sex to the best tips for lasting longer. Here’s your complete guide to fantastic sex.
Set Yourself Up For Success
Let’s start with the most important basic: keeping yourself safe during sex. If you’re typically pretty blasé about using protection, consider this fact: 1 in 4 Americans have a Sexually Transmitted Infection. If you sleep with just a handful of women, you have a pretty high chance of contracting something yourself.
Here are some straightforward tips for staying safe:
● Always use a condom. Always.
● And make sure you’re using it properly. Practice putting condoms on by yourself so you don’t have to stress out in the moment with a partner.
● Use dental dams and condoms during oral sex and anal sex as well.
● Ask your partners if they have an STI, and when they were last tested. Be upfront with them about your status too.
● If you want to be extra-cautious about pregnancy, ask her if she’s on her own form of birth control.
Prioritize your health
Yes, yes, we all know that we should be eating healthy and exercising, but so few of us actually follow through. If you’ve had a hard time sticking to your regimen, perhaps great sex can be the motivation you need to finally commit.
Your health has a huge impact on your sex life. Being overweight can make you more susceptible to performance issues. If you’re not in shape, you won’t have the stamina to last for very long, or to try some of the more creative sex positions. If you feel self-conscious about your body, you’re going to be too distracted to even enjoy sex. Smoking, drinking too much, or doing drugs can make you develop occasional to severe erectile dysfunction and difficulty reaching orgasm. Mental health plays a big role too; depression, anxiety, and stress can all lead to erectile and orgasmic problems. The bottom line: it’s time to finally get the ball rolling on developing healthy habits.
Be thoughtful about masturbation and porn
Masturbation and porn can be a perfectly healthy part of your sex life, but it’s important to pay attention to your habits. Too much masturbation, or masturbating in a very specific way, can easily lead to erectile and orgasmic difficulties. Watching too much porn can cause you to develop unrealistic expectations of sex and can make it difficult to get aroused or orgasm without that additional stimulation.
Here are some simple guidelines for healthy masturbation habits:
● Try to prolong the experience instead of racing to finish.
● Don’t squeeze your penis too hard. Avoid the “death grip!”
● Don’t try to orgasm while you’re soft or semi-soft.
● Change up your routine. Try using different strokes, or use your non-dominant hand.
And here’s how to maintain a healthy relationship with porn:
● Try not to zone out while you’re watching porn. Pay attention to how your body feels as you touch yourself. Porn should be a complement to your masturbation session, not the star of the show.
● Don’t watch porn every single time you masturbate.
● Pick a video and stick to it for your session. Don’t obsess over finding the “perfect” image or video to climax to.
● Take regular two to four week breaks from porn.
● Don’t watch porn or masturbate when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or sad. Porn shouldn’t be used to soothe or ignore your emotions.
It’s also really important to understand that the way sex works in porn is not the way that sex works in real life. Porn is meant to be entertainment. There’s an entire crew of people making sure it looks good on film. Don’t expect that the techniques you see in porn are actually doable or pleasurable in real life.
Initiate Sex The Right Way
Get enthusiastic consent
This tip is one of the most important ones in this entire article. If you want to hook up with a woman, you have to make sure that you have her enthusiastic consent. Not only should she agree to being intimate with you, but she should be excited about it too. The same goes for you! If you’re with someone new, make sure you’re both explicitly clear that you’re on board with each step you take. It can be incredibly sexy to tell each other how much you want each other, and the specific things you want to do.
Do it with gusto
Whether you’re with a brand new partner or in a long-term relationship, one of the best things you can do is be passionate with your initiations. Nobody likes having sex initiated in boring, lackluster ways.
Here are a few ideas:
● Tell her exactly why you want her in that moment. Give her a specific compliment.
● Make her anticipate it. Send her messages during the day telling her what you’re going to do to her later that night.
● Surprise her with a passionate kiss when she’s not expecting it.
Get Her Off
Know what you’re working with
If you want to be a great lover, you have to be familiar with her body. Between her legs, you’ll find two sets of labia. Her outer labia are the set of lips that are covered in pubic hair. The inner labia are the set of lips that don’t have any pubic hair. The inner labia are thinner and wetter, so they require a more delicate touch. Her inner labia connect around the area where her clitoris is located. The clitoris may be covered by a small flap of skin known as the clitoral hood, so you may not be able to immediately see it. Only a small portion of the clitoris is visible. Internally, it splits into two legs (like a wishbone), and it actually extends up into her body about three to five inches! The clitoris is the center of the universe for female orgasm. Her vaginal opening is further back, towards her anus. The majority of the nerve endings in the vaginal canal are located in the outer third of the vagina. The perineum is the strip of skin separating the vaginal opening and the anus.
Warm her up
It’s important for you to spend plenty of time warming her up before going for her hot spots. Most women love to be teased, and for many, it’s actually the best part of the entire sexual experience. Stroke and kiss all over her body—her mouth, neck, ears, butt, and thighs. Leave her underwear on and touch her over the fabric. You want her to be begging for more before you move on.
Use your hands
70% of women require direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Fingering can be one of the hottest and easiest ways to give her the stimulation she needs.
Consider lube a non-negotiable when you’re touching her. It will make the experience much more pleasurable for her.
Make sure you spend plenty of time teasing her. The clitoris is really sensitive to direct touch, and you’ll cause discomfort if you go for it too quickly. Slide one finger from the top of her labia back to her vaginal opening. When she seems excited, try out a couple of different strokes, focusing on her clitoris, like going in a circle around her clit or tracing a finger across it in a diagonal motion. Err on the side of being too gentle, and pay attention to see if she starts pushing against you for more pressure. As you’re focusing on her clit, you can also try inserting one or two fingers inside of her. Make a “come here” motion with your fingers to stroke against the top of her vaginal wall, or slide your fingers in and out.
Keep in mind that every woman likes different things. You can easily ask her for feedback by saying, “do you like it better when I do this or this?”
Once you’ve found something she likes, stick to it. Most women need consistency to reach orgasm, so don’t try to get too complicated!
Use your mouth
If you’re planning on going down on her, spend plenty of time teasing her and getting her warmed up. Kiss all over her thighs. Keep her underwear on, and kiss her over the fabric. Caress the spot where her thighs meet her labia.
To get started, keep your tongue wide and flat, and slowly lick her from her vaginal opening up to the top of her labia. Gradually increase your pressure until you part her labia. When she seems like she wants more, use your fingers to spread her labia, and start to focus on her clitoris with your tongue. Lick from the top to the bottom of her clitoris. Try circling it with your tongue. Apply a little bit of pressure by gently sucking her clitoris or pushing your tongue against it. You can take over with your fingers if your tongue gets tired.
Remember that not all women like direct clitoral contact, so you may need to work around the clitoris instead of directly on top of it. Use the same question I mentioned above to get her feedback (“do you like it better when I do this or this?”).
You can also experiment with inserting one or two fingers into her while you keep your tongue on her clitoris. Try the same “come here” motion, or try moving your fingers in and out of her. With your other hand, you can touch her breasts, stomach, or butt.
Again, once you’ve found something she responds to, stick to it!
How to approach her orgasm
Most women have complicated relationships with their orgasms. A lot of women have never had one, and feel embarrassed to tell that to a partner. You have to walk a fine line between making an effort to help her orgasm, but without pressuring her.
Here are some ways to do just that:
● Set her at ease by letting her know you’re excited to focus on her, and that you love touching and tasting her body. Nothing makes sex hotter than an enthusiastic partner.
● Don’t put a timeline on her. You can say something like, “I’m going to keep going until you tell me you’re ready to stop.”
● While you’re touching or licking her, don’t ask her, “are you there yet?” You’ll distract her and make her feel self-conscious.
● If she doesn’t orgasm, don’t take it personally. Don’t get upset or act annoyed.
● Focus on pleasing her rather than on making her orgasm. This gives you a more rewarding goal to work towards too, since there’s an unlimited amount of pleasure you can give her. Orgasms only last 10-20 seconds, after all.
The best sex positions
There are a million different ways to configure your bodies during intercourse. Here are just a few solid favorites:
● The Missionary Grind. In this position, you start off in traditional Missionary, with you on top and her on the bottom. Instead of thrusting in and out, focus more on grinding against her clitoris with your pubic bone. Imagine going in circles or figure-eights. It helps to pull your body weight a bit closer to her head. To up the intensity, try pulling her labia apart with your fingers and exposing her clitoris even more.
● Her On Top. Lie flat on your back and ask her to climb aboard. She rests on her knees and sits upright. From this position, you can stroke her clitoris with your thumb or index finger. Or encourage her to reach down and do her thing.
● The Bridge. Have her lay on her back, with her feet flat on the bed, while you kneel between her legs. Lift her hips in the air so she’s in a low bridge position. You don’t have a huge range of movement here since you don’t want to slip out, but her clit is front and center for one of you to touch.
● Doggystyle. This old favorite is amazing for a lot of women. Have her start on her hands and knees while you penetrate her from behind. She can stay on her hands or lower down onto her elbows to change the angle of penetration and make sure you’re rubbing right against her G-spot.
● The Drape. Have her scoot over to the bottom of bed and hang her legs off the edge. Kneel on the ground between her feet. You have a full range of motion, and can grab onto her hips for leverage. Her clit is right there in front of you. If you get too close, you can pull out for a breather but keep on stroking her.
● Spooning. Both of you lie on your sides, with you behind her. Lift up her top leg to give you more space to enter her. Once you’re in, lower her leg so it’s stacked on top of the bottom one. This is a really sweet, sensual position.
● Lotus. Sit cross-legged, or with your legs stretched out in front of you. Have her sit on your lap and wrap her legs around your body. This is another position where grinding is the focus. She’ll be pressed right against your abs and can control just how much grinding action she wants.. She can also lean back a bit and touch herself.
There are an endless number of props that you can bring into the bedroom. Here are a few favorites.
Lube is incredibly underrated. It makes every sex act so much more pleasurable, especially for her. It’s a non-negotiable for getting her off with your hands, or for anal sex. Do yourself a favor and invest in a high-quality silicone-based lube like Pjur.
Here are some great entry-level toys to get started with:
● A vibrator for her. You can get her off solo, or use the vibrator to get her closer while you’re having intercourse. Check out the Minna Life Limon.
● A cock ring. These toys provide extra stimulation for her, and help you stay harder and last longer. Look at the LELO Tor II.
● WiFi-enabled toys. You can control these types of toys with your phone, making them great for teasing or long-distance relationships. Check out JeJoue’s Dua or the We-Vibe 4 Plus.
Want even more inspiration? Here are a couple of amazing props to bring into the bedroom:
● Blindfolds. She won’t know what’s coming, which will increase the anticipation and the sensation.
● Positioners. Want different angles on your favorite sex positions? Try a sturdy foam cushion like the Liberator.
Take It To The Next Level
Experiment with fantasies
Once you’ve mastered the basics, you can up the heat by bringing your fantasies into the bedroom. Just about everyone has some sort of fantasy, whether it’s about playing with BDSM, roleplaying different characters, or bringing other people into the bedroom.
Here are some tips for turning your fantasy into a reality:
● Decide what you want to do with your fantasy. Some fantasies are fun to talk about, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to make them happen in real life. You might love just talking dirty about them while you’re hooking up.
● Share the details of your fantasy with your partner. Don’t be shy; she has her own fantasies too. Ask her if she wants to trade off making both of your fantasies come true.
● Tell her what her role would be in acting out the fantasy. Make sure she understands the details. Talking through what you want to do to each other is extremely sexy, so spare no detail! Preparing beforehand will also set you up for success.
● Take baby steps if necessary. If you’re brand new to exploring a certain dynamic in the bedroom, ease into it to allow yourselves to get comfortable. You may also need to do some research to make sure you’re being safe (for example, if you want to use advanced BDSM techniques).
Keep Long-Term Relationships Sexy
We all know that sex can start to taper off in a long-term relationship. It’s hard to sustain the pace of the honeymoon stage. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life of dull sex. There are plenty of creative ways for keeping the spark alive:
● Show your passion. We all want to feel wanted by our partners. Help your lady feel sexy by giving her specific, personalized compliments. Tell her how much she turns you on. Try to seduce her like you did when you first started dating.
● Play games to mix things up. On small slips of paper, write down at least 10 of your favorite things to do in the bedroom together. Fold them all up, put them in a bowl, and pick one at random. Whatever you pick is what you have to do in that moment!
● Experiment with new locations for sex. Try the shower, the kitchen, the living room, or the balcony.
● Slow down. Take your time with each other!
● Bust out of your routines. Try having a sex session where all you do is watch each other masturbate, or just give oral sex.
● Restrict yourselves. “Ban” intercourse for a couple of weeks. It will force you to get creative, and will make intercourse so much more exciting once you’re “allowed” to have it again.
What to do if you can’t get or stay hard
If you’re experiencing erectile difficulties, anxiety is usually the main culprit. It’s normal to have occasional erectile challenges, but most guys freak out when it happens. You’re so nervous about it happening again that you end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Get your anxiety levels down by exercising, practicing mindfulness, or participating in activities that make you feel confident.
You can also strengthen your erection by doing PC exercises. The next time you’re urinating, cut off your flow of urine before your bladder is empty. The muscles you use to do that are your PC muscles. Practice squeezing and releasing them, alternating between sets of pulses and sets of short holds.
When you’re hooking up with a woman, focus on her first so you can relax.
What to do if you orgasm too quickly
Your first step is to examine your masturbation habits. Most men have learned how to optimize their masturbation techniques for quick results. But fast masturbation sessions only lead to fast partnered sessions. Take your time when you masturbate, and you’ll last longer with her too.
In order to last longer in the sack, you need to be able to know when you’re about to hit your “point of no return.” As you masturbate, practice getting up to the edge, then stopping yourself. Try to last as long during masturbation as you want to last with a partner.
When you’re with a woman in the moment, you can practice the same stop-start method. Pull out and spend some time focusing on her with your hands, mouth, or a toy.
What to do if you take too long to orgasm, or can’t orgasm
Delayed ejaculation is frequently caused by medical factors, so it’s important to get to a doctor, especially if you notice any recent changes.
It can also be caused by using the “death grip” during masturbation. You can essentially train your body to have a hard time orgasming unless you have that specific level of intensity. Try taking a gentler approach with masturbation, or going on a temporary masturbation hiatus.
If you have a hard time reaching orgasm with a partner, it may be because you’re not feeling enough stimulation. You can increase the intensity by using toys, talking dirty, or using lube. You may respond better to handjobs or blowjobs, so you can ask your partner to focus on you before moving on to intercourse.
So there you have it gentlemen! Now get out there and put this guide to work!
Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in all things sex.